Porn Shame

Q: My wife is afraid of doing anything new sexually, and she gets very upset at the fact that sometimes I look at porn. I'm not a porn addict or anything, and my wife is the only woman in my life.  I don't want to have to feel like I am doing something wrong by looking at porn or trying to introduce new things in our sex life. I want to make things work with my wife and be sexually satisfied, too. How can I help our relationship and sex life get better?

A: Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D., (“Dr. Judy”), a noted sex therapist, author of The Complete Idiot's Guide to a Healthy Relationship, and radio personality says:

‘ The first major step you need to take to solve your problem is identify what you mean by porn and identify what your wife’s boundaries are. ‘Porn’ is very much a trigger word, and many women might be turned off by it. In my definition, porn refers to treating a partner in a denigrating way, and puts you in a mindspace of mistreating someone. I prefer to use the phrase “erotic entertainment.” But you need to find out: What is your definition and what is hers? Does the word ‘porn’ make her cringe? What if you say, “Let’s look at some beautiful pictures that are sexy?” You also need to ask yourself, “What is the purpose of porn in my life?” You have a real live person in front of you, so what are you getting out of the pictures? Are there things you want to make happen in real life? Your wife might feel like, “What is wrong with me? Why aren’t I good/attractive/sexy enough?” These are legitimate questions she has. You need to reassure her that she is attractive and sexy to you. Once you figure out what you want to occur sexually by looking at the pictures, make that happen in your real life with your wife .’