Initiating Sex

Q: I have been living with my boyfriend for a couple of years now. Lately, I have zero sex drive with him. I guess it’s because I feel he doesn’t do much to seduce me. In the past, I have taken the lead, but I really just don’t feel like it this time. I feel like I am disappointing him by withholding sex, but I also know if I have to say "seduce me" or "plan something special" to him, it will actually make me feel annoyed, controlling, and like it is less meaningful than if he came up with the idea himself. How do I get what I want without hating myself and him? 

A: We turned to sex therapist, author and well-known radio personality Judy Kuriansky, Ph.D. (“Dr. Judy”) for this one. She says:

‘This is a common phenomenon—where the woman wants the guy to take control and gets turned off if he doesn’t. I totally understand how wonderful it would be to have a lover who magically “gets you,” who is on the same wavelength as you, senses what you want and does it without your asking or pushing. That being said, it is unfair to judge the relationship on the basis that he doesn’t “get it” and that you have to be the one who takes the initiative. Instead of rebelling against that, accept that you are the one. Think of it as dividing tasks, like he is the one who balances the checkbook and you are the one who initiates sex. You say you don’t want to have to tell him to seduce you, and when you do that you are annoyed and it makes things feel less meaningful. What is your alternative? If he doesn’t get it—if he doesn’t understand how to seduce you—but you care about the relationship, you just have to ask him to treat you the way you want. If he is totally clueless, he may not be the right guy for you. But sometimes men have to be trained. He might just not be as tuned in as you would like him to be and you have to decide whether or not he is a trainable guy. Tell him outright what you want. Say “This is how I like to be treated,” or “Do you really only feel comfortable when I take the lead?” Ask him if he wants to learn what you need, like learning a new language. Ask him if you can work on it together. That will give you your clue about whether he wants to learn how to behave as you like.’