You probably touch lots of things without knowing where they’ve been. Money, shopping carts, library books, hotel rooms—these have all been handled and used by many people for a variety of different reasons. Most people accept this fact and go on with their lives. When the same scenario applies to their lover, however, it’s a different story entirely.

For some, a person’s sexual history, or the number of people with whom one has had sex, is as important to their character as their views on religion and politics. For others, sexual history carries little more importance than a person’s preference for Pepsi over Coke.  The question then arises as to whether or not sexual history is private information, or if it should be shared for the good of public health.

Those in the former category might argue that sexual history is vital to understanding their would-be lover’s sexual health, including their propensity for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) and their mental and emotional health as it relates to sexual activity.  They may also argue that one’s sexual history is a telling indicator of morality, using the number of partners a person has been with to determine how “loose” their sexual ethics may be.

While it is always recommended that couples talk about sex before jumping into bed, simply taking inventory of your partner’s sexual history is not enough. A discussion about your partner’s sexual habits is more important, and may give you more information on how to approach sex with your partner. Some good questions to ask (courtesy of Health.com):

• Are you HIV positive?
• Have you ever tested positive for a sexually transmitted disease? If so, were you treated?
• How many sex partners have you had since your last STD and HIV tests?
• Have you had any STDs in the past six months?
• If you have been diagnosed with herpes or genital warts, are you having outbreaks? Are you being treated?
• Have you been at risk for HIV in the past six months?
• Do you have any objection to using a condom?
• Are you allergic to latex?
• Are you on any form of birth control?
• Which sexual activities do you want to engage in?

These questions get directly to the issues of sexual health and your risk for contracting an STD much more effectively than would a coital countdown. A partner who may have slept with a number of people in the past, but is regularly tested and always uses protection, is less likely to be a risk than someone who has slept with one person and engaged in intravenous drugs. Establishing a common awareness about sex, sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and prevention is not only a good way to gauge their risk as a sexual partner, but it can also speak to their tendencies toward social awareness and personal responsibility.

For those who feel that a person’s sexual history is a good indication of their morality, the first question they should be asking is how their partner defines that idea. Morality is a mushy word, based on the very subjective concepts of right and wrong. While there are some basic human rights  that most people can agree on, morality is often defined according to the fundamentals and values of a community or a society.

Though not technically a Christian nation, the United States of America was founded among the tenets of Christian faith and, in 2001, 79.8 percent of Americans self-identified as Christians. This helps to explain why many Americans view sexuality as an act that is only to be shared between two married people. This has resulted in a widespread consideration of multiple sexual partners as unsavory or wrong, though this judgment is based on the assumption that one subscribes to Christian faith, or a denomination thereof. This also applies to the use of derogatory terms, such as slut or whore, that are used toward women who have been with multiple partners out of wedlock.

Sexual history is a tiny part of one’s moral makeup, and just as morals are malleable within different communities, they can also change as one evolves and matures. A more effective way to get a sense for one’s morals is to simply ask about them. The values that are important to you are a good place to start. If you value a Christian lifestyle in your partner, discuss your beliefs and how those values play into your lives. Of course, if you value virginity in a partner, then by all means ask if they are a virgin. If the answer is no, the number of partners thereafter should make no difference.

Aside from the fact that sexual history does little to answer any questions about a person’s health or character, if your partner does decide to share their history with you, the number you get might not be correct.

In 2006, studies conducted by psychologist Norman R. Brown at the University of Michigan showed that 15 percent of men and women admitted to flubbing their number of lifetime sexual partners. In Brown’s study, this was attributed to the methods that men and women use to count their partners. Women will use a “raw” count, or a sort of vocal list for counting partners, a method which Brown said was prone to underestimation. Men, alternately, typically relied on a “rough approximation” to produce a number. Brown said this method typically led to overestimation.

In 2007, studies in the U.S. and the U.K. bore similar results, with women registering an average of 6.5 lifetime partners and men reporting 12.7. David Gale, emeritus professor of University of California, Berkeley, said within the article, “…the conclusion that men have substantially more sex partners than women is not and cannot be true, for purely logical reasons.” The men had to be having sex with women somewhere, though researchers could not conclusively determine the cause of the discrepancy.

Some solutions to that discrepancy may have arisen from two studies, which also occurred in 2007. That year, Kenyon College released results showing that men saw multiple sexual partners as the “ideal.” That same year, the Ohio State University of Mansfield reported that men were more likely to give female interviewers a higher number of sex partners than male interviewers. In both situations, it appeared that men tended to inflate their numbers in order to meet a perceived expectation, perhaps by women.

Of course, part of the mystery in these numbers may also be attributed to a phenomenon that was noted in a 2008 article in the New York Daily News. In it, a Durex condom survey revealed women in New York have twice as much sex as the average American woman. The article suggested that some contributing factors included the fact that women tended to stay single longer in New York, and the greater population size allowed for more anonymity. Psychologist Victoria Zdrok commented on what the elevated numbers might say about these women: “Women with higher numbers tend to be more educated, have more liberal views and higher self-esteem.”

Regardless of its ability to gauge risk, morality or honesty, people may continue to seek sexual history as a measure of their partner’s ability to commit.

While the Journal of Neurophysiology suggests that love and sex make their cerebral homes on opposites sides of the brain, the Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin published research in 2008 that linked the two. In the latter article, a connection was found between sexual stimuli and intimacy, where subjects who were exposed subliminally to erotic media were more likely to disclose intimate details and thoughts. They were also more willing to sacrifice for their partner and more open to conflict-resolution strategies.

Based on this study, a person with multiple casual sex partners might be unable to form these intimate attachments, with or without sex. However, intimacy can oftentimes be detected easily outside of sex, in which case sexual history is once again an incomplete determinate.

Despite an individual’s reason for wanting to know the sexual history of their partner, it seems clear that this information can be given on a “need to know” basis. Public health, personal characteristics and relationship tendencies are better discovered through discussion and shared experiences. While the idea of your partner having been with many others can be disconcerting in the present, the past will not change just because you wish it so. However, by focusing on safe sex practices and learning more about your partner, you can have a positive impact on your relationship’s future.