Acts of infidelity are like STDs. Your average person fears being the victim of them and here in the United State, the percentage of adults cheating on their partners is significantly high for a society that adheres to the tenants of monogamy.

According to The National Organization for Research at the University of Chicago (NORC), in a survey on American Sexual Behavior, magazines such as Redbook, Cosmopolitan and Psychology Today say 50% of married couples are having some form of extra-marital sex (Clintonian variations applied). However, this survey only takes into account married couples, not non-married couples, which only suggests that there are far more people committing acts of infidelity than is documented. Why do we abhor the same act that most of us are actually committing?

Wandering through the "relationship" section in your average American bookstore chain, you find books such as Infidelity: A Survival Guide by Don-David Lusterman, or Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik and Gloria G. Harris, or The Monogamy Myth: A Personal Handbook for Recovering from Affairs by Peggy Vaughan (who is founder of The Home Beyond Affairs Network, DearPeggy.com).

All these books characterize similar types of infidelity: one-night stands, philandering, and affairs. Most everyone can take a good guess at what cheating means; the relationship has gone sour, self-esteem issues, boredom in the bedroom, lack of affection, wanting to shock your partner into shaping up or shipping out, sexual identity issues, or hidden desires thought best to be left silent. Whatever the type or the reason, each of these books describes the trauma that the unassuming, non-cheater goes through. Lusterman explains in Infidelity: A Survival Guide, the victim "suffers from a shattering of their basic assumptions about the nature of the world."

When dealing with this trauma, all of these books discuss the necessity for preserving one's own self-esteem, the push for better communication, the need to not blame one's self, and the benefits of counseling. Yet, these books differ in one significant way. One of the books suggests spicing up the sex life with lingerie, sultry music and satin sheets, while the other two crack Pandora's box. They suggest that common expectations about relationships, often imprinted upon people by a society driven by false ideals of relationships and their presumed monogamy, are false.

We've all been duped into thinking there is such a thing as a truthful, romantic and vivaciously monogamous relationship (when in fact ample evidence now shows that monogamy is no longer considered biologically natural in the animal kingdom (see Anatomy of Love: The Mysteries of Mating, Marriage, and Why We Stray by Helen E. Fisher or "The Myth of Monogamy" by David Barash on Salon.com)). And, to combat these false ideals with real truths, they suggest communication and honesty about our personal desires is the better avenue to take when healing and sustaining a healthy relationship. Vaughan writes, "The hope for monogamy has us making a conscious choice that specifically involves commitment to honesty." Temptations become something to talk about over the morning coffee as opposed to secretly exercised during lunch hour.

To quote a popular saying by Howard Stern, "every model has someone tired of fucking her." Or, in other more politically correct words, no matter the ideal partner, the once captured eye begins to wander and wonder what else there is to have and to hold. Stern, although notably slanted towards views of men, might not be too far off the mark when it comes to the opposite sex. In the July 12th issue of Newsweek, titled "Infidelity," in the article, "The Secret Lives of Wives" by Lorraine Ali and Lisa Miller, the authors describe how, with the advent of women going to work, building careers and becoming self-sustaining individuals, so came women's desire for extra-marital affairs.

Like men, present and past, women now are leaving their disappointments with their married sex lives at home and are taking matters into their own loins by finding a variety of options- a lunch time soiree, an evening tryst after a long hard day's work. Quoting a general poll of couples therapists, Ali and Miller estimate that among these therapist's clientele, the number of women adulterating "is close to 30 to 40 percent, compared with 50 percent of men, and the gap is certainly closing" (p.48).

When we step away from the relationship section of our country's bookstore chains and make a b-line for the "sexuality" section, we find that the motivations and desires that govern healthy relationships change. Ayala Malakh-Pines in Romantic Jealousy: Causes Symptoms Cures asks his readers to "imagine the experience of a person, whose spouse admits to having sex on the side occasionally, but assures the person that it is the result of a need for variety and not caused by any lack of love or by a problem in the relationship. The extra-marital sex will in no way affect the relationship - but will go on - because the spouse feels there is nothing wrong with it. Imagine further that the marriage has been happy and satisfying up to this point." How should the listener respond? Divorce? Break-up? Separation? Jealousy? Or, how about adaptation?

Beyond infidelity, there is a new accepting of relationship sexuality on the rise. "Don't cheat on me" has become "Be honest and I'll accept and encourage you - but always be honest." There are many couples lifestyles and attitudes that exist today (and have in varying degrees for centuries), whether polyamory; swinging; or couples who are erotically inclined to experiment with porn, toys, exhibitionism, bisexuality and more. The couples in these lifestyles are committed to honesty and believe they are ethically correct in their dedication to each other, or to a group, but are considered immoral in the world at large, which stigmatizes these lifestyles from becoming accepted as the norm while at the same time keeping the adulterator alive and well. In his book The Lifestyle: A Look at the Erotic Rites of Swingers, Terry Gould recounts how a woman at a sex party made the point that "Men and women who cheat on their partners are addicted to dangerous romance... in the lifestyle we've grown out of that immaturity. Straight people think we spoil all the fun. Actually, we don't threaten morality, we threaten immorality."

One woman on the battlefront of alternative sexual lifestyles, Palagia, the founder and host of OneLegUp erotic events and founder of onelegupnyc.com, argues that people are beginning to see more truth and love in being honest with each other and themselves, rather than subscribing to monogamy (as commonly misunderstood). She explains that in her view, "the average couple today views love as a form of possession rather than love as an act of expression." At her erotic events, which are open to sexual experimentation safely and respectfully, Palagia observes that "there is a comfort and closeness between the couples unmatched by your average couple on the street or in the media." In other words, at her events and in her community, no man or woman is busted and in trouble because they are attracted to someone else.

Her observations are in part due to how couples gain access to her parties via a questionnaire that they have to fill out on-line, together. A couple is not invited to her parties unless they take the time to work through the issues surrounding what it is for a couple to begin sexually playing. She does not invite couples who she explains "merely answer the question 'why attend' with a 'because my woman's body will be the hottest in the room and we like to fuck a lot'." She wants to see a true sign of dedication to sexual expression as a couple.

Palagia goes onto to say that in her life, she never feels jealousy towards a partner, nor desires to possess her partner. She explains that, "I hope they feel free to go and explore others so long as I am part of the story." If her partner has a fantasy, she says, "I hope that I'm incorporated into that fantasy." "Not being able to communicate your desires and needs with your partner is a sign there is a lack of trust," says Palagia. And, should her partner exercise a fantasy, she says, "I hope that they are comfortable enough to tell her before, or definitely after so I feel part of the story," and visa versa, and she goes on to say "if they don't tell me, that's cheating."

This resonates with a personal account that Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt give in their book The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities: "Meanwhile, a little while ago my partner popped out of the shower all clean and glowing. (Yes, the TV's off, and I decided on baked beans and hotdogs for dinner.) I asked him, "did you have a good time?" He grinned and nodded. "And did she have a good time?" He grinned and nodded more emphatically. And that was that. We kissed goodbye, said "I love you," and we went off to work." The author continues, "Whatever's wrong with me, I hope it never gets cured."

This isn't to say infidelity is done away with if a couple is open to exploring their desires and needs. Dishonesty will always exist, but common understandings of monogamy and infidelity are changing. Honesty is becoming prioritized over monogamy, and the mind over the body. To conclude on a hope, and again quoting The Ethical Slut, "We dream of a world where no one is driven by desires they have no hope of fulfilling, where no one suffers from shame for their desires, or embarrassment about their dreams, where no one is limited by rules that dictate that they must be less of a person and less of a sexual person, than they have the capacity to be."