Pucker Up for Some Anal Sex: An Interview with Tristan Taormino

The thought of anal sex brings fear to some people…fear that it will hurt or that it will be dirty or embarrassing. Tristan Taormino is not one of those people. For her, anal pleasure is one of life’s pleasures, and she has helped many people get in touch with anal sensation and play through her writing, hot adult videos, and educational workshops. Here, Tristan takes the time to reveal tips for beginners, her mission in life and insights help us relax and think about anal pleasure in a positive light.

SexHerald: You’ve written books and made movies about having great anal sex. For those who are curious about trying anal sex for the first time, what do you recommend for preparation?

Tristan Taormino: The first thing is that you need to be realistic. I think that the number one thing that people do wrong is they rush it. They say, “We’re going to have anal sex tonight, and we’re going to go from 0 to 60 in, like, a half hour.” No one can do that. I really recommend lots of anal play with fingers and toys that doesn’t necessarily lead to anal intercourse, per se, but where you just start to explore and go really, really slowly, use lots of lube, and make sure the person is really turned on.

SH: If you were to do all of the things that you suggest, how long does it realistically take to work up to being ready to have sex with a man, or a larger, strap-on kind of toy?

Taormino: There’s no formula, because everyone is really different. What’s more important is that you follow your own pace, whatever that is. There’s no set amount of time. Someone could be ready sooner and someone could be ready later. It really depends on you and your body. The point is to go as far as you can go and if it starts to hurt, you absolutely have to stop. If you feel like you’re sore or you’re worn out, you shouldn’t keep going. You should stop. It really should be at everyone’s individual pace.

SH: For people who have had anal sex, who are comfortable with it, can they incorporate some of the more acrobatic things that they might see in something like your movie and others?

Taormino: Well, the thing is, a lot of movies are about fantasy. The people in the movie can get into these amazing positions, which maybe people at home can only get into for a few minutes, but can’t sustain. But, I think you know that anything’s possible, and porn can be a great inspiration for couples to try new things. In my movies, I really collaborated with the performers and so the positions that they got into and the techniques that they used were really ones that they use in their own personal life. In one of my films, Jewel [ De'Nyle] says she wants to get into a pile-driver position. That’s not something you hear every day. People think pile driver is only a thing in porn movies. But she said as long as she has good neck support, she actually really likes that position.

SH: At some sex toy parties they sell lubes for anal sex like Anal-ese that have desensitizing agents in them, which you don’t recommend. What should people know about those kinds of products?

Taormino: They should never use them under any circumstances. The thing about Anal-ese is that it numbs the area. There’s two problems with that. First and foremost, it will probably mean that you’ll go farther faster than you normally would, and you’re going to end up hurting yourself. And the whole point of great anal sex is to pace yourself, go slow, and listen to your body. You can’t do that when a part of your body is totally numb. Then the second part of it is, what if the experience does feel really good? You can’t experience that either if the area is totally numb. So I never recommend that product, I hate that it’s still sold, I just can’t say enough about it. You’ve got to use good water-based or silicone-based lube, nothing that remotely resembles Anal-ese

SH: How do you feel about enemas?

Taormino: I think a lot of people have issues about cleanliness, and I think it’s one of the number one things that keeps people from even trying any anal play. They’re really fearful. I tell people that all you have to do to have relatively clean anal sex is have a bowel movement before having anal sex and then take a shower and sort of stick a little soapy finger inside. If you do that, you’ll be good to go. But for people who want to be absolutely assured that they’re clean, or for people who want to do a lot of anal play, they can have an enema beforehand. The important thing about an enema is that you should have it at least two hours before your hot anal sex date, to give your body a chance to recover. And you only ever want to use plain, warm water. The kind of enema you buy in a drugstore—a Fleet enema for instance— contains a laxative. You don’t need a laxative, you just need plain, warm water. When you buy one of those types of enemas, take it home, dump it out, rinse it out, and fill it with plain, warm water.

SH: What is your favorite lube?

Taormino: My favorite lube is Astroglide Gel. Astroglide is probably one of the most popular lubes, but this is their gel, which is relatively new, and it’s really thick, like the consistency of hair gel. It’s water-based, it stays wet for a long time, and because it’s so thick, it acts little bit like a cushion inside the delicate rectum. I really recommend a really thick water-based lube. And, that one’s my favorite.

SH: What about toys? Your favorites?

Taormino: I have a butt plug that I helped design, and that is named after me—it’s called the Tristan. It came out several years ago. I basically designed it in response to the major complaint I hear about butt plugs, which is that when people get really turned on, the plug starts to slip out. So instead of the traditional teardrop shape, my butt plug has a thicker neck, which helps it stay in.

SH: Is it intended to be worn for long periods of time?

Taormino: Well, it’s good for long-term wear but it’s also good for, say, if you want to put something in your butt and have vaginal intercourse.

SH: Good to know. On the subject of toys, vibrating butt plugs—how long do you think they can really stay in? I don’t know if the vibration would eventually sort of make you go crazy.

Taormino: I think it depends on the person. For a lot of people, especially beginners, vibration not only feels good, it also really helps relax them, and relaxation is key to great anal pleasure. So for a lot of beginners, I recommend something that vibrates because it really does stimulate and relax at the same time.

SH: What do you suggest for safer anal sex?

Taormino: Obviously, if people are monogamous and they’ve been tested for STDs and all of that, you can have anal sex without a condom. But for people who may not have been tested or may not know the sexual history of their partner, it really is important to use a condom because the ass is incredibly delicate and all of the garden variety STDs we hear about can affect the rectal area. You could have a minute tear in your ass and not experience any discomfort or even know it’s there, but it’s a direct route to the bloodstream. So, it’s important for people to protect themselves. I also used to tell people to avoid condoms that have sort of bumps and grooves and studs. In other words, some condoms are “for his pleasure,” where the studs are on the inside, and that’s fine. But the “for her pleasure” condoms, where the texture is on the outside of the condom, can irritate some people when they use them anally, though others might not notice.

SH: What’s your favorite condom to use?

Taormino: I really like the Kimono Super Extra Thin. I mean, the Japanese condoms have gotten really, really thin and I think American manufactured condoms are just starting to catch up to that quality. I think Trojan extra thin are also good, and Crown, which is a really popular condom for porn stars.

SH: Are there circumstances under which anal sex is a really bad idea for an individual person?

Taormino: I think that we are seeing a lot more cases of people with things like irritable bowel syndrome (IBS) or Crohn’s disease and other sorts of gastrointestinal problem. That is a situation where you definitely need to talk to your doctor and you need to be mindful of the fact that you don’t have an ordinary ass. I don’t know how else to put it. In some cases, your bowels can be stimulated much easier than the everyday person, your digestive tract can be super-sensitive, and all of that can affect your rectum. I would say that people who have IBS need to be careful. With that said, I know people who have IBS who when they’re feeling really good definitely enjoy anal pleasure. And when they’re having a bad day, week or month, they know to avoid it.

SH: There are lots of people who have IBS issues.

Taormino: IBS was not really on the map when I first wrote The Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women, which was in 1997, but in the second edition there is a section on IBS.

SH: In the new edition of your book, I like that there’s a chapter on pleasuring men. What’s your recommendation for the easiest way to introduce a guy to anal stimulation?

Taormino: It’s tough. For men, there’s a lot of cultural baggage and stereotypes that they kind of have to get over to even wrap their head around the idea of receiving any kind of anal pleasure. I think what’s important is for men to know that they’re not gay if they want to get fucked in the ass, that desire does not change sexual orientation. And you know, it doesn’t really put anyone’s masculinity at risk. I think in the last five years, we’ve seen a lot more visibility and discussion about male anal pleasure. A lot more men have come out of the closet and said, “I’m heterosexual and I like anal pleasure.” I’m hearing more discussion and I feel people are more open about it. As that happens more and more, I think people will get more comfortable with it. And truthfully, I feel like if a guy can relax and be open enough—in other words, go into the experience and see what happens and not have any expectations—he’ll see that it’s an incredible erogenous zone for him, and an incredible new way to experience pleasure. I feel like, “If you’ll only try it, you’ll probably like it.” It’s my mission in life to make sure that every man in the world gets fucked in the ass at least once before he dies.

SH: For the guys who might be reading, what would you recommend in terms of convincing a female partner?

Taormino: I think the important thing is that whoever is the recipient of anal sex has to be the one who’s calling the shots. That person needs to be in charge and set the pace. So for male partners, you have to reassure a woman and tell her, “I’m going to go really slow. I’m going to be really gentle. We’re going to take it at your pace. I’m not going to get overeager. I’m not going to rush it. If it hurts, we’re gonna stop, and I’m not going to tease you about that. There’s no consequences to us stopping. We’re gonna use a lot of lube and make sure that it feels really good. Because if it doesn’t feel really good for you, it’s not going to be good for me.” Too often, anal sex is portrayed as something men love and women hate, and that’s bullshit. The image that I want people to see is that it can be mutually pleasurable and even mutually orgasmic, and they need to approach it that way.