Site: www.fuckingmachines.com Cost: $29.90/month. (you save by buying two or three month memberships) Genres:: Machines, Anal, Masturbation, Toys Condoms: The dildos wear condoms in some movies One-line summary: In the classic battle of man vs. machine, machine comes out on top (or bottom, or side, or…) Reviewer: SexHerald Staff

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Bet you haven’t seen many girls get fucked by KitchenAid-powered devices before. At FuckingMachines.com, you’ll feast your eyes on over two dozen dildo-driving machines designed to administer a fuck of varying speeds and oomph. The machines, all demonstrated in action on the site, have names like ‘The Intruder’, ‘The Portafuck’, and ‘The Goat Milker’. This isn’t your mother’s vibrator, thanks to technology and some creative dirty minds!

HBO’s “Real Sex” series did a segment on fucking machines, which I caught the end of, so I thought I knew what to expect when entering this site. Au contraire: I didn’t know whether to be frightened or delighted by the homepage image of a petite blonde lying on her back, legs in the air, being rammed by a gigantic mess of wood and steel and wires with a dildo attached to the end. Good god, is it getting hot in here?

Membership has its privileges: if you join you can watch movies of women using the fucking machines. The movies are long — 30 minutes to an hour — and you can watch them in full, view stills, or download clips individually. Beware — if you don’t have high speed internet you’ll have already jerked off and gone to bed by the time you get anything good downloaded. The movies are long and get kind of boring; I preferred to watch the clips instead, where incidentally the pictures are better and more continuous anyway.

I found myself wondering who would get off more on this site. Straight men would surely stiffen at the sight of these hotties getting fucked hard, not to mention the endless clit and tit rubbing all the girls do. But as a woman, watching these ladies and imagining what a 350 RPM fuck feels like, especially one with the noise equivalent of a 747 taxiing for takeoff, was enough to make my toes clench and my loins tingle.

It’s important to point out that FuckingMachines.com does not sell the machines it features, which I realized as fast as I could say “I’ll take one of those, and one of those, and one of those….” The site’s focus is on the marvel of the machines and their powers, but links are provided to sites that sell some of the apparatus. Others are apparently unavailable for purchase. My favorite, the Je T’Aime (oo la la, a Frenchman), was indeed available via a link to another site, at a mere $1195.
Santa, I’ve been very good this year…