Reviewed by SexHerald Staff
There’s something about really bad porn that just makes me both angry and confused, and sometimes even a little panicky. To think that someone – anyone – can fuck up sex to such an extreme is just baffling. At the same time, such porn can also be inspiring, even a little uplifting. All those nights, in the darkness and solitude of the stale air of my bedroom, rocking myself to sleep, whispering solemn little prayers to Jesus, Buddha, Vishnu (anyone who’ll listen), asking why – WHY? – couldn’t I have been blessed with a huge cock and staying power for days, and a six-figure porn contract?
Well, films like “The New Girl in Town” instantly cleanse my fragile psyche of these longings, and make me realize that I, ol’ Barely-Adequate McGee, could (with enough money) convince very hot women to have sex with me on camera.
Director and star Mark Lasts plays the role of every man here (that is, if every man was hung like a softened Twix bar), and in the opening scene, he and Rob Frombe double team cute, British Teoni, she of the pastel-dyed hair and ability to feign enjoyment for hours at a time. She’s a campaign manager of some sort, looking to garner the female vote by promoting her party’s platform – just do it! So Lasts sheepishly asks “Do you mean like this?” and feebly ravages her, pawing at her body, peppering her with cringe-inducing kisses. He’s joined by the beefy Frombe, who really carries the scene from the male side (especially the failed DP), as Mark Lasts has worlds of trouble keeping himself erect enough to fuck the willing Teoni. Even Frombe’s spirited cries of “Think happy thoughts, dude...you’re fucking hot shit!” fail to invigorate Lasts.
After Frombe cums on her tits, Lasts takes another 5 – 10 minutes or so, and finally coerces his testicles to oblige, as he literally squeezes out a thick, sad orgasm.
Taylor Rain was somehow duped into the next scene, as Mark Lasts the delivery boy enters her apartment holding an open, empty box (even his props failed him), explaining that he has a “big package” for her, and Rain responds by telling him to “put it where it belongs.” I would have been more turned on if he had just set the box down and exited, with the scene fading to black. But, alas, he coughs out some more cliché, unfunny dialogue, and the sex commences. The acoustics are echoed, the camera work is very shaky, and Lasts ruins all suspension of disbelief by amateurishly directing from in front of the camera (“Get me going in”; “Look over my shoulder”); scenes which should have met the cutting room floor.
Katrina Russia (the gullible foreigner) and Makenzie Wilson (touted as the “Veggan (sic) Who Loved Meat”) make up the final two scenes, both underwhelming in their own right.
Katrina’s an a prospective employee of a staffing agency, being taught by Lasts to work in something called “girl services,” apparently by being shown how to fuck someone with a small penis and even less charisma. Makenzie’s scene proceeds as an awkward photo shoot and Q&A session with Lasts, who has fortunately only convinced her to disinterestedly blow him, as she gags on his cumshot, and surely desires nothing but a good vomit and shower after her harrowing scene.
"The New Girl in Town" is, to put it kindly, one of the 5 worst porn flicks starring attractive women, which I have ever seen. The film is technically unsound, flawed by terrible cuts, poor editing, awful acoustics and music, a tiny breakfast sausage of a penis, and more grimaces than I could keep count of. The DVD contains no special features, and was no doubt constructed using some kind of primitive software/graphic designer. TheNewGirlinTown
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