Reviewed by Don Luis
Captain's Log: Stardate- beginning of the episode. The crew of the good ship Intercourse have been scouring the outer reaches of known Space for signs of possible erotic enocunter for the past several years, and found no end of friends and foes only to happen onto a lost NASA shuttle suddnely in danger of being sucked into a black hole. But with characters like pointy eared Mr. Sperm, an aging and decrepit, intermittently Irish Mr Squat, the studly and just as equally shoddily acted Captain Quirk (engendered by the magnanimous Randy Spears) and the inimtiable comedic genius of veteran Ron Jeremy, whether they save the endangered passengers of the shuttle or not, it's sure to be a bumpy ride.
The captain ignores Mr. Squat's advice that thirteen minutes is not enough to try to disengage the shuttle from the black hole's gravitational pull, though it is, he retorts, 'just enough time for a sex scene', and it is well that he does because, throwbacks to a former period in Earth's history they may be, but they awake from their stasis pods sexually ravenous. Quirk orders Squat and Sperm to the engine room to try to get the old bird going, while Quirk stays behind to keep Katie Morgan from coming to any harm. That part of his pllan, at least, works. Katie, however, has significantly different plans from him, saying she 'would hate to die sexually unsatisfied. Quirk's misenmast is clear and ready to make sail, and Morgan is ready to give him a port to slip in. He tests the waters tentatively, gently, lapping at her shores in a manner that belies the bellicose nature of his name. He penetrates that uncharted ocean as only the captain of a fully loaded warship can, and it is safe to say that the result is smooth sailing. He is steady as she goes wild in response to the motions of the oceans of space, and she soon takes command and control of the action as he struggles to keep ahold of her during her seemingly insurmountable gyrations. The crew and their newfound passengers barely manage to escape in time, though magically, the shuttles engines start and both ships' engines are able to break free of the crushing death.
Back aboard the Intercourse, the rescued girls - engendered by Rita Faltoyano, Katie Morgan, and Vickie Vette are creating quite a stir on a vessel destined for deep space penetration. So much so, in fact, that they have begun to drain the crew of any energetic reserves they might have once had, and most are beginning to wind up in sick bay. The problem becomes readily apparent as two fo the ladies shimmy their way onto the bridge, their partial nudity and friendly antics distracting all of the men from their posts. It is all Quirk can do to muscle them off the bridge, much to the dismay of all assembled. In any case, once the collective of Morgan, Faltoyano, and Jeremy have gotten off (the bridge that is) Commanders Screwyu, Jackoff, and Mr. Squat are left to their own devices. Luckily for them, a phenomenally short skirted U'Whora sits at the communications console and is more than willing to open a channel just for the jilted, jolly Rogers standing about her. The four gents (all the above mentioned, plus one slightly out of place red shirt who amazingly is the first to make contact. All the rest decide before hand who follows who in sequence, and we are led to believe that their radio frequencies have all been adjust before the next shift.
By the last segment of the film, most of the crew of the Intercourse find themselves in pretty ragged shape, until Morgan attempts to seduce Mr. Sperm, whose supposed lust cycle is only once every seven years, unless he chooses to risk the dire physical consequences. This explanation, however, does not suit Morgan, and she makes a play for the slightly alien protrusion despite his hesitation and protests. She finds it more than suitable to her taste, and goes to work with flair making a stolid attempt to drain him with precisely the same mind and body altering effects as she's had on the rest of the people. Sperm, however, is somehow immune to her advances, and though he gives as good as he gets, in the end, he covers her torso with a neon green filament as opposed to what she was accustomed to receiving from the other crewmembers. Being incapable of extracting the necessary energy from the alien ejaculate, she finds herself drained and incapable of continuing. There is a supposition that the same has come to pass for Faltoyano and Vette, as the final scene finds Quirk abandoning all three, as well as Jeremy on a desolate planet in a rarely traveled corner of the known universe. Phew!
Cash Markman has outdone himself here, and with plans for more follow up episodes, your phazer will definitely be stunned by the time you reach the end. I don't think I've alternately been hard and laughed until my stomach hurt for two hours straight ever in my career as a reviewer. This one goes decidedly in the sick and wrong pile, next to my copy of Re-Penetrator and The XXXorcist. Seek out space you've never explored before with this one in your collection! SexTrek:WhereNoManHasCumB4
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