Product: Kröl Vodka Producer: Kröl Approximate Retail Value: $30/bottle Category: Vodka Country of Origin: Poland Reviewer: J. Harding The F Words: Flavor – Sweet, subtle. Feel – Soft, smooth. Finish – Fresh citrus.

Rating:

I have a problem with luxury goods. I don’t know why it’s taken me this long to realize it, but I get mad when I think of the price of Prada shoes or Valentino dresses. I think Rolex watches are silly, and I’ve never seen a high-end automobile that seemed worth the insurance money I’d have to pay on it. I guess I’ve just lost that belief fundamental to all modern-day consumer-based capitalist societies—that price equates with quality. Call me a barbarian, but my favorite restaurant is Panda Express and I consider the GAP to be far too expensive.

I’m lucky that I get to taste so many luxury spirits, because I’m 100 percent certain that I would never purchase them on my own. Some of the liquors that I’ve tasted have been pleasant surprises and make me stop and reconsider my position on anything priced over $10. Unfortunately, Kröl is not one of those liquors. In no way is it bad; it tastes pure and simple, with a slightly sweet flavor and a bold citrus rush at the finish. It is butter soft and odorless. It mixes well, neither overpowering nor cowering in the presence of strong flavors. I made my usual vodka tonic, vodka martini, cranberry and vodka, and vodka lemonade. I even went so far as to combine it with Chambord and soda. None of these creations were in any way disappointing in and of themselves. Each one got the job done. But they were also so bland. Kröl tastes much like any other vodka in its price range, clearly expertly distilled, but lacking in anything vital or interesting that might make it rise above the competition. Indeed, mediocrity might not be such a terrible thing, if it weren’t a relatively expensive bottle of alcohol. With a suggested retail price of $30, on top of an undoubtedly ridiculous mark-up at bars and restaurants, I may be too cheap to ever taste Kröl again.

So I can’t condemn Kröl, nor can I wholeheartedly recommend it. In a certain way, it makes me reconsider my position on luxury goods. At least an expensive dress can be daring, flashy, provocative, and permanent. There’s some merit in that. If only Kröl were distinctive, instead of so ordinary. Buy a bottle of Smirnoff and save the money. Or better yet, send it to me.