Title: Professor Pain Studio: Anime 18 Genres:: Hentai Reviewer: W. McQuade and E. Nagy

Rating:

McQuade here. I have to admit, we were a little partial against this one from the outset. It doesn’t take a 400-level class in cultural metaphors and the history of Japanese film to figure what the general plot of something called “Professor Pain” is going to be. And for those of us who like our sex to be consensual, and our breasts to be not stuck with three-inch needles, it was pretty obvious from the get-go that this one wasn’t really going to be our cup of tea.

But we figured we’d give it a chance, and we were rewarded with five minutes of introduction to an absolutely inexplicable plot, 50 minutes of exactly what we had been expecting, and five more minutes of one of the most bizarre and laughably Kubrickian endings I’ve ever seen anywhere - ever.

Our saga starts in a school, where a bully is about to take the virginity of an underdeveloped blue-haired nerd (you can tell she’s a virgin and an underdeveloped nerd, because she wears glasses) with a mop handle. We then see half of the school getting blown up. Meet Professor Pain.

The good professor has apparently planted bombs all around the school (a school that seems to be inhabited only by the twenty some-odd kids in his class, sorta like Saved by the Bell) and he’s holding the remote control. He then goes on what seems at first like a fairly well-reasoned diatribe about the state of the educational system. He says “Knowledge by itself is useless, one must know how to use it and why. But this system is not meant to teach you any of that. I thought I would give you my own special lesson.” Then he hits the kids with “To know and understand one's path is to die without regret."

Pretty deep stuff, and for a second I was thinking this was going to be some kind of hentai “Dead Poets Society” thing. But the wacky prof’s first lesson is ripping off all the clothes of the blue-haired girl, having his assistant lift her up by the panties, and telling the class "Women lack such male features as the scrotum and the penis."

Thanks, doc.

We learn that the Professor’s sister had died, possibly as a result of the kind of activities he’s making his kids do. He then hallucinates, thinks one of the students is his dead sister, he freaks out and says he made the bombs she mentioned in her email. Then his assistant reveals that HE sent the email (and not the prof’s dead sister. Who’d have guessed?) because his dad wants him to be a doctor and he’s lonely. Then the nerdy girl says he doesn’t have to be lonely. Then some crazy chick picks up the trigger, says “I hate you all, this goes kaboom,” and apparently blows everyone up.

The animation was pretty bad. The motion was sloppy, the characters weren’t remarkable, the colors were dull and muted, but not in an artsy way, more like in a “we didn’t spend a lot of time on this” way. The English voice acting was terrible, but thankfully Anime 18 had given us the option of Japanese with English Subs, so after the first three minutes, we watched the rest like that. The sex was just as one would expect from something called “Professor Pain.” We don’t really need to say much more, other than that we did not enjoy it.

Overall, aside from the bizarre ending, there’s nothing about this that we found worth watching. And even the unintentional hilarity of the ending couldn’t justify having spent the last 50 some-odd minutes watching the rest. If you’re the kind of person who would be naturally drawn to a Hentai called “Professor Pain” (I’m not judging) then yeah, maybe this one’s for you. If not, then you probably wouldn’t have needed to read this review anyway.