Reviewed by SexHerald Staff
Don't let the title fool you, nor the black-and-white pictures on the box featuring veiled bellydancers and boudoir-dwellers, nor the box copy itself that promises "turn-ons from the turn of the century." If you were actually hoping for that, as I was, you might just want to stop where you are and find something else, for curiously enough, there's none of that here in Antique Erotica 9.
What we do find in this DVD instead are six or so stag reels from the late 1960's and early 70's, judging from the quality of the film and styles of fashion. You know, the kind looped on 8mm or 16mm film and projected at only the finest of gentlemen's gatherings, featuring what always looked like someone's aunts or uncles enjoying some swingin', if silent, sex.
Now, truth be told, the scenes are a lot of fun to watch, if strangely discolored due to the ravages of time (when the green-tinted people show up, just pretend you're watching Martians have sex) and all feature natural and attractive young ladies enjoying themselves. Some of the four-way scenes almost have a documentary feel to them, and I have to admit the redhead in the green sweatsuit really made the third scene a lot of fun for me. As far as historical value goes, the scenes are also fascinating as they represent an era just before the Mitchell Bros. and other narrative-inclined adult film producers/directors made the scene with mainstream feature-length smut. So why hide them under a misleading title?
And why score the scenes with anachronistic, rinky-tink, Dixieland jazz from the 1920s? It certainly wasn't the music of the time -- at the very least, you'd expect some nasty, grinding 70's funk, now a bit of a cliché when it comes to porno music, but still appropriate for the era portrayed. The hotcha jazz is about as incongruous as it comes, especially when the songs with actual vocals show up-- vocals, which of course have no bearing on the scene and, frankly, aren't worth listening to. Around eight minutes in, I actually put the video on mute and watched it silently -- I knew these reels were all silent to begin with, so I knew I wasn't going to miss anything (if they really wanted to maintain historical accuracy here, they should have included an audio track of an old home projector whirring away). Frankly, the only way the musical selection could have been any less appropriate was if "Yakety Sax", the theme from the Benny Hill Show, had been used constantly throughout.
Silently, though, the clips are a hoot. There's the stewardess and her roommate surprised by two friends, one of whom looks like a young Howard Stern with a rubber dildo on his nose. The scene almost looks as if it'll be a rape scene, but I found it clear from the context that they're all good friends. Some clunky oldschool vibrators are used in another scene, and -- oh yes -- we get a plumber scene. One of the true classics of the porno short subject, the plumber scene just made my day. You know how it goes down: a plumber -- you can tell he's a plumber because he has a toolbox -- is invited in by a lady in a skimpy negligee, supposedly to fix the sink, and, well... If you don't know where this is going then boy, are you going to be surprised. (I can just imagine the advertising copy in a very small ad in the back of a men's magazine: "PLUMBER'S SURPRISE: Pretty Sally invites the strong black plumber in to fix a dripping faucet -- and her dripping pussy! Sally thinks he's got the right tool for the job and she shows it by using her eager mouth! Soon the plumber's laying pipe of his own and Sally quivers in ecstasy! Now that she's gone black, she'll never go back! Nine minutes, 8mm or 16mm, $5.95. All packages mailed discreetly in plain brown paper.")
From a historical perspective, these clips are amazingly intriguing. The quality of the film stock is lousy and washed out, just as it would be if you discovered these in someone's sock drawer. But the audio is terrible, the film too short (just under one hour) and, frankly, completely misrepresented by the box. I'm no stranger to the DVD box describing one thing and the film showing another, but this was one of the first times I was truly let down by the change in subject matter. I was looking forward to old black-and-white footage from the turn of the century, and I was completely disappointed that I didn't get it, even if what I got was amusing enough. I'd love to rate Antique Erotica 9 higher, even one-half star higher -- but I can't, because I'm bitter. So there. AntiqueErotica9
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