Title: I, Goldstein: My Screwed Life Author: Al Goldstein w/ Josh Alan Friedman Publisher: Thunder's Mouth Press Publish Date: 2006 Pages: 304 Genres:: Autobiography, Non-Fiction Reviewer: Scott Axelrod

Rating:

For a man whose life experiences include a literal deep-throat demonstration from Deep Throat star Linda Lovelace, and a five-blowjob bet payout paid in full by porn pioneer Seka, Al Goldstein is a bitterly broken man—figuratively and physically. He still doesn’t care what you think of him, doesn’t beg for your sympathy, or even care if you listen to what he has to say, because he’s going to say it to you anyway. Without the venues of Screw magazine or his public access cable program Midnight Blue, his new soapbox is a personal memoir simply entitled I Goldstein: My Screwed Life. This isn’t an erotic bedtime tale intended to liven up your libido or educate you in proper anal bead placement, but rather a rag-to-riches and riches-to-rags memoir of one of the country’s most infamous pornographers, and a man who still waves a middle finger at those who deem sex as dirty, and find porn to be a cancer corrupting America.

From his humble Jewish upbringing in Williamsburg, Brooklyn to his early career as a world-traveling photographer working for Walter Winchell, Goldstein waxes anecdotal about his upbringing, while fondly reminiscing about the golden years of the sex industry in pre-Giuliani New York City: “Such is Times Square, and where the straight world saw only depravity, Screw magazine found beauty.”

As if engaged in a casual conversation with the reader, he juxtaposes many humorous stories about life as the founding father (along with Jim Buckley) of Screw, and the many perks that such a title brought to his lap, while simultaneously complaining about his current tribulations of being a king without a throne who’s been exiled to Staten Island and a modest apartment paid for by magician Penn Jillette.

Whether he’s complaining (what a surprise) about the size of his penis, his love of eating pussy and pastrami, or giving an incredibly detailed menu by menu analysis of his favorite restaurants that easily rivals anything published in Zagat’s, Goldstein spritzes each tale with his colorful language and candor. Fans of un-civil disobedience will revel in the highlights of his wars-of-words and jaw-dropping picture parody campaigns against mayors, politicians, activists and other enemies, while the stories behind many of the infamous articles and rants he wrote and how he gave birth to the most consistently controversial and intentionally offensive sex newspaper in the world, will surely inspire any budding adult-multimedia entrepreneur.

As if the reader is rubbing elbows with Al at one of the parties he attended at the infamous Plato’s Retreat swingers club, a cavalcade of characters hump, dance, and strut through the book’s pages in both interviews taken directly from the pages of Screw, and the yarns he pontificates on, before making hasty exits because he badmouths them, they decide that he’s the pompously obnoxious asshole he doesn’t deny being, or because their 15 minutes of pornographic fame (and his friendship) have fizzled out. Others stick around longer, as porn historians will enjoy his memories of friends and porn peers: Harry Reems, the Mitchell Brothers, John Holmes (whom he devotes an entire chapter to), suitcase-pimp Chuck Traynor, his best friend Ron Jeremy, former friend Hugh Hefner, and on-again/off-again buddy Larry Flynt, who he claims to be a blatant plagiarist:

“Throughout the 70s and the early 80s Hustler stole shamelessly from Screw, becoming a colorized redneck imitator. Flynt was a thief, and admitted it during his Midnight Blue interview. Our ‘Smut from the Past’ became their ‘Porn from the Past,’ my ‘ShitList’ became their ‘Asshole of the Month.’ If you wanted to know what satirical pieces would run in Hustler, you only needed to look back a few months at Screw.”

Alternating between his glorious past and his depressing present, Goldstein also goes into detail regarding his publicized obscenity trials, his nightmarish and abusive experience in Riker’s Island, the nuances of homeless shelters, his faith in God, weight loss, and his textbook of medical ailments. Fans of Goldstein will likely come away from these particular sections unsettled and sad, while Al’s proponents will probably revel in what they believe to be Karma kicking him in his formally fat ass.

Goldstein’s tome of highs, lows, and woes, is a well-written and entertaining autobiography (with an eye-catching cover) chronicling the life and times of a man willing to theoretically get reamed on behalf of all the writers and publishers who rely on the First Amendment to speak openly and freely about sex. While it can be perceived that he considers himself a martyr (worthy of a perverted variation of sainthood) who's lost all of his money, possessions, and dignity in the process of helping others get a little bit of pleasure out of their lives, readers should come away from the book pronouncing him a either a hero or nothing more than a washed-up smut peddler trying to hawk a highlights collection of his glory days like some old, arthritic high school quarterback.