Reviewed by Tobly McSmith
When my editor called on me to review not only a sex swing but also a stand, I jumped at the chance. Who wouldn’t? A stand made to hold a sex swing? It was clear that this time I was reviewing something important. I felt that this was something bigger than myself. By the time I hade schlepped the 60-pound box home with the aid of my roommate and an overly interested cab driver, I realized just how much bigger than myself this was. This stand was huge. I laid all the pipes and screws and screwdriver thingys out with serious confusion; think: money scratching its head marveling at tools it doesn’t have the mental capacity to understand. I had some work to do.
The most difficult part of assembling the stand was not figuring out the what-goes where and how. That was the easy part. The directions were straightforward. It was the maneuvering of such a large beast. It took a couple defeating collapses, humbling moments, and possibly a pact with the devil. I’m a shameful lesbian. I should be way better at assembling and repair than I am. Actually, the fact that I was able to get the stand up and running attests to how easy this is to put together. I have so many failures with IKEA and cheap wood furniture, it’s a wonder at all I put something together that is built to sustain someone in the air as they get the daylights pounded out of them.
The packaging promised easy assembly; this supposedly made the stand ideal for taking down and storing when not in use. This would be a very important feature when you don’t want your house guests knowing just how freaky you really are. I, on the other hand, very much enjoy my house guests thinking I am freaky. Needless to say, I proudly display the stand in my room. I live in a small Manhattan apartment, so it takes up roughly 60 percent of my room but thanks to high ceilings and the rearranging of furniture (most went into my living room), my bedroom looks like a sex dungeon.
The clean black metal looks sharp and fits together well. The included tools work rather effortlessly, but be sure those screws are tight enough to withstand your screws. I was appreciative of the padded bottoms, no one like scrapping up wood flooring. Or explaining to your landlord how the scratches got there! The frame of the stand is reminiscent of an actual swing stand that would sit in someone’s backyard rusting from the elements. So sturdy is this stand that I challenge my friends to feats of strength contests, seeing how many pull-ups we could do.
As you can imagine, there is a sexy stigma that goes along with owning a sex swing stand. For me, this is a dream realized. Finally I was one of those perverts, and trust that I shed the most positive light on the word pervert possible. With this stand in my bedroom, I have officially graduated from your typical dildo, vibrator, whips and paddles kind of girl into a completely different genre, from sex toy collector to aficionado. I am dreaming of velvet coats and invasive carpeting schemes.
The stand’s main function is to host a sexual swing of your choosing but here are other things having a sex stand around is good for: tying/handcuffing your lover’s hands up and out of the way for a nice paddling session, bending someone over the bars and giving them a good come from behind, hanging wet laundry to dry. This is such a multifaceted piece of equipment to have around! Topco’s Sex Swing Stand is built tough, which is important when it is supporting the jerking and grinding of (sweaty) bodies. Save your ceiling or door frame the hassle and strain of supporting your swing and I’m sure your landlord will thank you. And if it is my landlord, he will also ask to watch. SexSwingStand
UniversalSexSwingStand
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