Reviewed by Tobly McSmith
The Platinum Fusion is Grrl Toyz answer to “the rabbit” style pleasure wands. The rabbits are the Swiss army knife of the dildos. They get you off in the front. They get you off in the clit. I’m pretty sure it could open cans, unlock cars, and save babies that have fallen into wells.
Rabbits are the standard, or code name, for large battery-operated vibrators best identified by their rotating shafts, massaging bead-filled heads, and a ravenous clit vibe. Rabbits are endlessly referenced in movies and television. Sex in the City made the rabbit a household name during the first season when Charlotte York (Kristin Davis) becomes helplessly addicted to her rabbit after a break-up. She was instantly smitten, orgasm crazy, and refused to leave her house for days. When Carrie and friends come to intervene, they are reduced to opening a window to air out the place. Rabbits really are that good. Well, most of them.
I always take a moment to think about the toy’s name. In this case, we have Platinum which says to me that this is the top of line. And Fusion, well, that sounds like science. Platinum Fusion is top-of-the-line science ready for insertion. I am hesitant, though, because I am no size queen. This bad boy comes in (literally) at a little less than 10 inches long and 3 inches wide making it not only packing a punch, but also a fist, an elbow, and a kitchen sink. This love wand is huge. And yes, there is such a thing as too big.
Size aside, the PFuse (I named it that) has opted to use a big round wonky bullet to stimulate the clit instead of the standard two cute little quaking rabbit ears or precious dolphin fins or any other animal part. The packaging calls it an “ecstasy egg.” It reminds me of the plastic eggs with little prizes inside you get from quarter machines at the supermarket. Not hot. It gets worse: The vibe is connected to the dildo with a curly, old school, telephone cord. (Remember how tangled they got? Yeah...) It makes me wonder if they designed this vibrator with things sitting around their apartment. Hold on, it gets WORSE: Running up the dildo’s shaft are large, horse pill-shaped stimulating nubs. Three of them. This is a pill my pussy doesn’t want to swallow. But it will, for science.
If my Mom read my reviews, she would kindly remind me that if I didn’t have anything good to say then I shouldn’t say anything at all. Well, I can bet all the money in my pocket she has never been confronted with the Platinum Fusion. But, I’ll give the nice route a try. Stuff I liked about the Platinum Fusion. 1. It’s pink. Who doesn’t love a pretty pussy popper? 2. It comes with a satin, well, satinish, bag. Transportation and storage are almost always overlooked by the toy company. This leaves you to fend for yourself using Ziploc bags, foil, handmade knitted bags, or used gift wrap (Yes. I have.) 3. The Platinum Fusion has a one-year warranty. This takes a little stress off the hesitant shopper that is about to spend close to a hundred dollars. 4. The proportions and base are heavy enough that the dildo is able to stand at attention on your nightstand without tipping over. This keeps it clean and safe from your surfaces.
Ok, nice time is over. The plastic encasing is sticky but not lube do-me-long time sticky, more like cancer sticky. Not to mention the plastic has a highly toxic smell that begs for a condom. I won’t get into how the quaking is thunderous at the head and undetectable as you get closer to the base. I wouldn’t dare bring up how loud the toy is, no hiding this from your roommate. It sounds like you are drilling for oil rather than an orgasm. And there is no way I would talk how I didn’t orgasm at all. That would just be rude. GrrlToyzPlatinumFusionI
 Email this review to a friend
|
