Reviewed by Tobly McSmith
Let me sum up in two words what the Fantasy Glide is: Pogo Dick. What a sign of the times; in the past was the soap on a rope, now we get the dick on a stick. Upon first reaction to the aesthetics of the Fantasy Glide, apprehension dripped from my worried pussy. My honey pot trembled with a “You’re going to do what with that?”
The website proudly promises sex “without the hassle of a man.” But will it buy me dinner? Who cares, you might be thinking, as long as it does the trick in bed. Owning a Pogo Dick would have even the freakiest of people (me) hiding this oversized sexual javelin in the back of the closet when guests were around. This is the kind of sexual anomaly that even if you tried to explain it to your friends they would look at you like you were doing the Easter Bunny. Or Santa. Or the Easter Bunny AND Santa.
Nevertheless, I love sexual oddities. I didn’t even do the perverted pole dance till I had friends over to proudly show off this bad boy. I thought for a hot second about making a video of sexing the Fantasy Glide and posting it online. Which reminds me, the DVD that comes along is fantastic. And by fantastic I mean they rented a hotel room, a camera, and a porn star for a night. It was as homemade as my Grandma’s cookies.
The design of the pogo was clean. Nice, sturdy black plastic. The pecker lever was adjustable to properly penetrate any size lover. The pumping action caused a sound that could be compared to a wild animal in heat. After my pogo poking party my roommate, who was in the other room, said it sounded like “a midget gasping for air shaking a kitten while repeatedly opening and closing a rusty door.”
The packaging of the dong recommends using a condom during spring-loaded self-copulation. This always bothers me. I’m doing a fake dick so that I don't have to make late-night runs to the drug store and what could be in the plastic to make it so dongerous? In my pussy’s best interest, I obliged. The dong is much harder than your run-of-the-mill porous plastic so I made sure my pussy was ready, open, and willing with a sexy fluffer’s sexy tongue and sexy fingers.
I began by lying down in bed, legs spread, stick up against the wall. Once adjusted and lined up, I let the thrusting begin. The penetration felt good. I was all hot and wanted a hard pounding and this machine of pleasure delivered just that. Climax was slightly harder due to the unnaturalness of my hands making the same movement of a construction man jackhammering concrete; the fear of putting a hole in the wall; and, the sound. This was going to take a willing suspension of disbelief, or a couple more beers.
I took this party vertical and stood up, untied my lover, and instructed her to take over the pumping. Up against the wall proved to be the better of sextuations seeing how the neighbors below probably heard an annoying thump, thump, thump and my lover looked like she was Helen Keller pumping water from an empty well. I did, however, get off—hard. This toy might be the Miracle Worker. Even with the strong likeness to a pogo stick, I got a very adult orgasm. Who are these mad sex toy inventors, and what will be next? Lego vibrators? Tricycle butt plugs? Innovative, sure. Sexable, yes. Awkward, well it is a spring-loaded dick on a stick. Recommended, yes. FantasyGlide
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