Reviewed by Tobly McSmith
Climax Bursts lubricant line wants to add some vitamins to your sex diet. Each bottle comes with hundred of colorful beads of Vitamin E. The idea is to cause enough friction that the balls burst and release the magical Vitamin E. No thanks. Anybody that thought adding little floating exploding balls of nutrients has spent too much time in fancy lotions stores. The fumes must have gotten to them to actually think little pebble like bubbles would enhance the ebb and flow of the bumping and grinding. The little stones were, unsurprisingly, not easy to pop and stuck around. It was like going down on a sandbox.
At first handling the packaging was clean, attractive, and even a bit sexy. The aesthetics were appeasing to the eye. However, in the thick of it all I don’t care if my lube is in a paper bag so long as I can access it quickly and efficiently. I have lured ketchup out of a bottle faster than the Climax Burst lube. The fancy pop tops didn’t produce the juice fast enough forcing me to rip the top off and proceed to dump the lumpy lube all over my lover’s hot, hot sex. Boo.
In the same fashion as not wasting food with all those starving children in third world countries, I imagined poor people with really dry skin having chaffy sex somewhere and even at my disapproval for Climax Burst I choose not to waste any of the bumpy lube. My orgasm hungry sex slut and I got through every drop of every bottle of the lube. Here is a rundown of the rubdowns:
Aphrodisiac-Enhanced Lubricant (orange bubbles) was neither an aphrodisiac nor a lubricant—too thick, not lubey enough; disappointment abounded.
Cooling Lubricant (blue bubbles): Better than many of the alternative lubricant company’s choice of using menthol to do the cooling. I couldn’t get the pop top to work so I ripped the cap off and threw it across the room out of frustration. Losing focus on the whereabouts of the lube it had time to spill about half its contents on my leather chair. The cooling was nice and not overbearing but then there is the whole issue with the thickness and the pebbles that hang out too long.
Warming Lubricant (red bubbles): I got a bubble rock stuck in my teeth. In the words of my devoted sex slave “it made me feel burny like no one should burn,” and then it stained the sheets.
Anal Lubricant (black bubbles): I would compare the consistency of the anal lube to jelly. You could seriously cut it with a knife. The only thing this helped was making ass sex an even gooier event. The only beads that should be used on the ass are long, plastic, connected, and able to be pulled out.
Toy Cleaner (green bubbles): Out of all the Climax Bursts I had the misfortune of trying, this is one that actually seemed logical. Rubbed hard enough, the beads produced a nice soapy lather that left the toy clean. That being said, so maybe one night you are a bit, well, drunk and it’s time to slide a sex stick into your lover. Make sure that the bottle you grab is actually lubricant because, well, toy cleaner does not act as the best lube. Bringing your lover to an inappropriate lather is a real turn off. Trust me.
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