Reviewed by R. Alvarez
You should know, I am a snob about anal lube the way some people are snobs about wine; before it even gets close to my derrière, I like to smell the bouquet, I need to pinch a dab between my fingers to test the stringiness, and I definitely need to take a taste. If you are a lover that likes to take precautions ahead of time so that they can throw caution to the wind later on, you’ll know what I’m talking about—there are few things worse than getting into some invasive heavy-petting session and having it spoiled by lubrication that tastes like a daiquiri that’s been sitting out in the sun for a week. Like I said, I am a hard sell on butt lube and generally believe that the thick, non-tasting gel gives the cushion I need for the pushin’; however, hallelujah, I have been swayed!
Bottoms Up Butt Wax, in terms of wine, is a really affordable bottle that pleases everyone at the table! It’s wholly made from partially hydrogenated soybean oil so it smells like mellow cookie batter and tastes like a slightly nutty version of Vaseline. Much like Vaseline, Bottoms Up Butt Wax leaves a thin coat on whatever it touches, so a slight taste and smell can stay with you for a few hours. Most importantly though, when applied to the ass it gets and stays slick for as long as you want to play! I would, however, recommend having some paper towels on hand to clean up the aftermath; get this on your bedding once and you’ll have an oil-stain memento for the rest of your sheet’s life.
Let’s talk viscosity for a moment. When it comes to all anal ramifications, this is where we all have the same needs. Though the butt is one of the most action-packed nerve-ending games in town, it is not self-lubricating and it is encased in some very tearable tissue. I personally never go into a good butt-romp without some slippery aid on hand and I recommend the same for everybody from the most experienced butt pirate to the, uhm, least experienced cabin boy. If you’re shopping for anal lube, there’s a few main players: silicone for those who want a lube that is thin and slippery as hell for all eternity; there’s the thick water-based numbers that are designed to offer that gentle tissue a little pillowy relief but needs to be rewet constantly; and, then there’s somewhere in between. Bottoms Up Butt Wax is thicker than olive oil but when used takes on a buttery slipperiness so that every time can feel like your last tango in Paris. The only time this is a problem is when you’re taking the safety seal off the tub.
The money that Bottoms Up Butt Wax saved on graphic design was all put into paying the boys in the lube lab to come up with the slipperiest, most eco-friendly product possible. The cliché name “Bottoms Up” appears on a computer graphic police-badge background and the words “Butt Wax” are presented as the officer’s name which makes me wonder if fifth graders are making my butt wax. (This 47 oz. tub of love is being sold as a “novelty only.”) I had to remind myself: “You don’t do it to the container (most nights), you do it to what’s inside the container.” Let’s consider this a lesson about how we should treat our lovers: say thank you and move on to the waxing on.
BottomsUpButtWaxAnalBalm
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