It was a clever one-liner in a book filled with them. Tyler Durden enters the apartment of Marla Singer in Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. The cocky and confident Tyler sees a large gelatinous dildo wiggling on top of a dresser next to him. Marla catches him looking at it.

“Don’t be afraid,” she says as she rolls her eyes. “It’s not a threat to you.”

Fictitious though the scene is, Palahniuk more than likely based the quip off of real world experience. Some men, for one reason or another, are intimidated by their partner’s vibrator or dildo. While the concept of a man feeling threatened by an inanimate object might seem downright silly, for many couples it’s an issue that is rather serious.

DirtyTalkTips.com writer Tara A. says a relationship can easily become strained when a sex toy comes into play. The relationship between the sex toy and the man, that is. “Any hopes of the two of them getting along are quickly dashed when you hear, ‘Why do you need that thing? You have me. Aren’t I enough to satisfy you?’”. 

The female sexual zeitgeist would, in all probability, answer that question with an uneasy “Um…” while looking down at the floor, if not with a resounding “HELL NO!” altogether.  Dr. Louanne Cole Weston, writing for WebMD.com in June 2001, claimed studies show only about 30 percent of women can achieve orgasm during sexual intercourse without simultaneous clitoral stimulation. That’s almost two-thirds of all women polled saying that sex is simply not enough to get them off.

The problem with human intercourse being undeniably slighted towards male gratification boils down to, like a great many things within the complicated human condition, simple evolutionary biology. The vagina and the penis might be complementary parts, but they are far from comparable parts.  Dr. Sandor Gardos, writing for AskMen.com, cites that about two-thirds of the inner vagina contains very few nerve endings. The clitoris is the part of the female anatomy closest to the penis, not the whole vagina itself; they are formed out of the same fetal tissue. The ovaries in a woman then become the testicles of the male. What becomes the scrotum for the male becomes the fetal tissue that forms the labia for the female. Therefore, just like rubbing a man’s penis shaft and head will cause him to orgasm, so too must a woman’s clitoris be stimulated most times to ensure climax.

Women can fire out ‘gasm after mind-blowing ‘gasm once they get going, but it takes dedication and a real good understanding of how to do it for that to happen. The logical solution then, in addition having a man who’s really good at cunnilingus, is that a woman needs a man who knows how to really satisfy her, and just what it takes to get the job done right.

In comes our friend the dildo, helping men prevent their partners from throwing them out of bed since time immemorial. Some women might feel hesitant to ask their guy-pals about using one on them, though. Unfortunately, the feeling is justified. Much like asking for driving directions when lost, some men can’t seem to understand when a little help would do them, and the lady they’re riding with, a lot of good. Horror stories of the tension the question of “Will you do me with this bigger, better, harder, more adequate version of yourself?” abound.

A woman posting on GumTree.com told the story of how when she slept with her boyfriend the first time she took out a vibrator “for some extra kinkiness [and] he got all embarrassed and didn't want to play with it.” She’s now concerned she scared him off. Another woman on TBD.com complained that her boyfriend “doesn't want to waste the mood on playing with anything except him.” One Yahoo! blogger even wrote about how her husband wouldn’t let her get a vibrator, even after she tried explaining to him how it would be for their mutual benefit.

That kind of intimidation can run deep in the male mentality. Tara A. thinks this is because of the opinion that men need to knock it out every time, no exceptions. Having a device around that performs better than they ever can is scary. “No one takes the time to explain to men that there is more to making love than the actual act…The jokes are almost always about size, performance, or lack thereof, and staying power.  If he knows you use a vibrator, and feels that you are more sexually pleased with it than him, you have, in effect, kicked him in the balls!”

So, how do you get a sex/techno-phobic man to give you some good vibrations? “First, try explaining to your man that a vibrator is simply an object,” says Tara A. “[It] is used for masturbation, plain and simple, much like a man’s hands.” Tara A. also mentions there’s a little matter of equity, but that’s not the same thing as replacement. “Assure him that at the end of the day, he is what you really want.  He is whom you really love.  He is the one who makes your heart skip a beat…Your vibrator is just something fun to have around and to use.”

Sexpert Tracy Cox would probably agree. “There's [a] very good reason why you should encourage your partner to own a vibrator and not see it as threatening or as a ‘replacement penis,’ she wrote for iVillage. “Simply put, women who own vibrators tend to have more orgasms than women who don't. The more orgasms your partner has, the more her body wants. So she's more likely to want frequent sex if she owns a vibrator than if she doesn't.”

Cox also encourages women to utilize the power of the vibrator itself on their partners to show them how good it feels. Once they do that, she says, guys may just ::ahem:: come around. Addressing men, she writes: “She can use one to stimulate your perineum (the smooth, hairless bit between your scrotum and bottom) or your testicles. And lots of guys love it when a woman holds one against the side of her mouth while giving them oral sex.”

This writer could not agree more.

Dr. Weston recommends a gradual yet honest approach. “If he says, ‘I thought you would come during the intercourse,’ you can say: ‘I didn't, but I'd still like to come. Let's try something different.’ In doing this you begin to introduce him to the idea that you'd like stimulation other than intercourse to have an orgasm.” Bringing up the aforementioned statistic about how few women can climax from penetration alone might help also. It may alleviate concerns he might have over his performance.

If the size of the vibrator itself is the issue, the gradual approach may prove even more useful. If you’re used to a big ol’ Lexington Steel-size dong, even the most secure of men may feel a tinge of inadequacy. Nerve.com recommends a no-penetration-at-first strategy. “Use [the dildo] on the clitoris without penetration. If it's the size that intimidates him, he's not competing if it's not being used for penetration.”

Another good idea to quell concerns about size is for a woman to remind her partner that she’s not dating the vibrator, she’s dating him. “Sex toys are not replacements for people,” says Cory Silverberg of About.com. Silverberg claims the male stigmas about size importance play deeply into the notion of dildos as the enemy. But sex toys don’t go to the movies with you, cuddle with you, listen to your concerns or kiss you goodnight. Making a clear distinction between the buzzer and the lover could make a huge difference to a weary man. “It can be fun to play with a large dildo or vibrator,” says Dr. Gardos. “But that does not mean in any way that your wife is not satisfied with you or your penis size.”

You can also get a man to use a dildo on you to by convincing him he is actually having sex with you by proxy. Get him to pretend it is his own penis, or incorporate the right dirty talk to let him know what a good job he’s doing as opposed to the toy. To this end, there are several great sex toys that are couple-friendly, giving him back some empowerment he perhaps thought he’s lost, and giving you a fantastic sexual experience.

There’s the Tracey Cox Supersex Massage Vibrator. Shaped like many other handheld massagers (y’know, ones that might actually be used for massages) it bills itself as “stylish and non-threatening.” Cox cautions that orgasms with such vibrators might happen quickly, so there should be some starting and stopping. This is ideal, especially if your partner is hesitant. One highly rated product is The Eroscillator, which fancies itself as “the ideal vibrator for couples.” Both men and women can use it on their nipples and other erogenous zones, but it is also made so it can be used during intercourse in any position. Some men rub a woman’s clit during intercourse to stimulate her, but this can be clumsy at times. With this product, he can simply hold it in place and pound away. The Eroscillator has even won the endorsement of the legendary sex advice guru herself, Dr. Ruth Westheimer.

A truly unique product that aught to set any nervous guy’s mind at ease and make using a vibrator on you a hell of a lot of fun is the OhMiBod. This is what iPods are really for! It’s basically an iPod connected to a vibrator. It vibrates to the beat of the mp3 that’s playing. It’s even compatible with an iPhone, so feel free to take it work, to the club or to a party that you know is gonna suck. “You have no idea,” writes Athima Chansanchai of MSNBC last February, “how the beat of a good song can send you over the edge and the right playlist can make that ride as slow or as fast as the user prefers.”

She’s right. Why not start off with some White Stripes? “The Hardest Button to Button” provides a decent rhythm to get the g-spot into the mood. Follow that up with some Seether. The finger-snapping beat of “Fake It” will change things up and tickle her between her legs oh so nicely. That should be the perfect set up for some Justin Timberlake. Let this track play for a few minutes and it’ll bring sexy back in no time at all, and she’ll be your dirty babe all night. And finally, to finish her off, use those masters of erotic ballads, Slayer. The jackhammer double-bass kick-peddle, pounding snare, and grinding rifts of “War Zone” make for a musical maelstrom sure to send even the most veteran vibrator vixen into fits. Plus, one of the lines is: “Madness is coming your way”. Case closed.

Finally, if all else fails and your man still isn’t giving you the sweet vibes, it’s time to take a hard stance. Tell him that if he won’t use your dildo, you won’t use your mouth. Once again, Tara A. tells it like it is: “Tell him to get over it!  This ain’t no competition and you aren’t going to be forced to choose one over the other. Besides, if you are forced, he might not like your choice!”