You discover your partner has been unfaithful. Most likely, you are overwhelmed with shock and disappointment. What do you do next? Can you forgive and forget, or is it time to move on? Better yet, how are you ever going to trust someone again? Facing insecurity in a relationship can leave both partners feeling vulnerable and alone long after they part ways. But, you don’t have to give up.

There are many ways to build a trustworthy relationship with a new partner. But be honest with yourself about your true desires—and don’t be surprised if they aren’t what you thought. If a one-person commitment sounds like it may be too much to handle, consider alternatives: maybe an open romantic or sexual relationship will help build your confidence. Either way, learning to understand your needs and maintaining open communication is necessary if you want to rebuild trust—and prevent history from repeating itself.

Moving On?

Infidelity does not inherently imply a sexual encounter, although in most casual conversation it is assumed as such. In the most basic sense, infidelity is defined as ‘any violation of the mutually agreed-upon rules or boundaries of a relationship.’ This could include any form of intimate physical contact (‘hooking up’), flirting, or dating. Many times, when one person sexually cheats it is the result of a more deeply rooted problem—a feeling or resentment that has been suppressed or ignored for an extended amount of time. On the contrary, one person may not feel fulfilled in the relationship and discover the missing pieces with someone else, not through sexual activity, but a new friendship. This form of ‘emotional cheating’ can be just as devastating for the person ‘in the dark.’ The betrayal creates a barrier that entangles their emotions and breeds doubt because the person they turn to for comfort is the same person who caused them pain.

The aftermath can rear its ugly head during a subsequent relationship. No matter how much time has passed, meeting someone new and encountering the familiar sensations of attraction and love can trigger feelings of resentment and uncertainty to surface. Unfairly, it is easy to attribute the blame for these emotions to the new companion forcing them pay the price for the past cheater’s actions. Hence, remember to treat each partner with the respect they deserve. Separating the past from present is key to starting off on the right foot—and starting off on the right foot is imperative to success. No doubt this is a lot easier said than done, and if it feels unattainable, maybe it is. Modern-day culture has conditioned us to assume anything but monogamy to be immoral and unacceptable. Yet, more and more this is being challenged and people are finding happiness in alternative relationship styles.

Within the last year, the divorce rate in America hit an all-time low since 1970 but this doesn’t necessarily mean more people are staying together ‘til death do them part.’ A shift in the outlook and status of relationships has occurred resulting in a 30 percent decrease in the marriage rate and people waiting an average of five years longer to marry (compared to 1970). The sanctity of marriage has socially disintegrated, yet this does not symbolize defeat. Many couples simply now chose to live together without ever tying the knot. Removing the pressure of a life-long commitment forces each partner to focus on meeting his or her personal needs—especially since it is common for both partners in a relationship to hold full-time jobs that further encourage individual development.

But even so, when there is monogamy, there is the potential to ‘cheat.’ One way to avoid this is to welcome other people into the relationship from the beginning. Establishing an ‘open relationship’—any type of mutual agreement allowing both partners to date, flirt or engage in sex—can erase the possibility of an affair. The ongoing debate about whether monogamy is natural for human beings has introduced an acceptance of this structured commitment. It is strongly argued that human beings, like most mammals, are instinctively driven towards having multiple partners, and it is society creating the moral constraints. Opening up the relationship may just be what it takes to save the relationship.

Inviting a Third, Fourth, Fifth Wheel?

There are numerous approaches to an open relationship, classified by their emotional or physical connection. Polyamory, defined as ‘the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time,’ doesn’t exclude love and commitment; on the contrary, it promotes it—with more than one person. Forms of polyamory have been accepted for hundreds of years in some cultures. The more recent form in America stems from the ‘free love movement in the 60s’ that focused on love instead of marriage. While some people find it natural, some don’t; and for some, even if they are only seeing one person, knowing they have the option can make all the difference.

The foundation of this kind of relationship is communication. An excerpt of Rose Fox’s “Polyamory 101” workshop describes it: “There are countless styles and expressions of polyamory and people frequently reinvent it to suit their own particular needs. It's very important to communicate expectations accurately to potential partners and to learn good tools for negotiating around the different needs and desires of the people involved. It sounds like a lot of work, and often it is.” On a personal level, when in a polyamorous relationship, understanding what triggers different emotions and how to express them is vital. Each partner is constantly faced with potential jealousy.

But in the end, the potential to cheat could still be there. A lot of relationships between three or four people will close themselves off to new partners and set rules. There are even some people who become polyamorous in search of monogamy and commit when they find the right person.

The ironic lesson here is that underlying its functionality, is the ability to talk, and that applies to all relationships. Fox stated in her workshop: “I've found that these tools are entirely applicable to monogamous relationships as well, and to many other situations where a lot of people need to negotiate solutions that work well for everyone.”

It’s Just Sex!

Why do people cheat? Sometimes the act is completely unemotional; it’s just sex. Sexual desire is natural for both men and women alike and unless one partner is a virgin, both have to accept that they are bringing experience and skills to the bed. So, why not embrace this and incorporate it into the relationship?

Swinging, defined by the North American Swing Clubs Association, is ‘social and sexual intercourse with someone other than your mate, boyfriend or girlfriend, excepting the traditional one-on-one dating.’ It classifies sex as ‘recreational’ and although it can ‘involve single men and women,’ the majority of participants are couples. This differs from polyamory in the fact that most swingers invite additional sexual partners but do not get emotionally involved. The foundation is the same, though: honest communication and a mutual agreement. Without knowledge and an understanding of each other’s actions, it is nothing more than an affair. The group as a whole tends to be proud of the ‘fact that they are open about their sexuality’; the act of cheating violates this principle.

Although existing in some cultures for centuries, swinging became popularized in America in the 1950s, commonly referred to as ‘wife swapping.’ Participation can teach couples about themselves and their partners in unexpected ways. Some people like to watch other couples, some like to watch their partner with another, and some like to switch simultaneously. Partners will learn about one another—not just favorite positions or how to stimulate orgasm, but their sexual personalities. This can help further develop the relationship.

But be careful: swinging can make or break a weak relationship. Without proper communication and understanding, many couples will fall apart due to the jealousy that stems from seeing their partner with another person. One partner’s interest—if not introduced properly—could even be enough to hurt the relationship. The key thing to remember when considering this is the differentiation between sex and love. Sex in a physical form can be practiced with many, but love will always stay between a person and their significant other… or others.

Limit: One Person

With all that said, some people cannot stomach the thought of their partner even flirting with another person, nevertheless having sex. They should accept their feelings and stand their ground. Recovering from infidelity is a long emotional process but not impossible. It requires dedication and focus from both partners towards improvement. Discussing the past and listening to each other’s views and feelings will help overcome a jealous or apprehensive instinct. Many people stand up against counseling but this is a valuable method of enhancing communication—even if the relationship is already strong. If a couple isn’t ready to join the crowds flocking to therapy, they should set aside a regular time each week devoted to nothing but talking. This will allow them to focus on daily activities throughout the week without relationship issues getting in the way or feeling like they are being ignored.

However the subject is approached, partners need to be honest, both with each other and themselves. An easy mistake is to cover up doubt with superficial promises, which will more than likely cause future resentment to manifest. Being truthful is the only way to make sure everyone’s needs are met.